immunetolight | 001 you're the antidote to everything except to me

Entry tags:

psl,
rey

001 you're the antidote to everything except to me

Snoke is dead. In order to complete his training, to become his master, he had to defeat his master. Still, it's becoming rapidly clear that the more time he spends with Rey that the master he has to defeat isn't Snoke, it isn't his uncle and it's not even the entire Rebellion. He can crush them all under his bootheel without so much as a thought. They aren't his weakness.

She is his weakness. She's agreed to come with him and had taken his hand but convincing Rey to do anything she doesn't want to do is next to impossible. Even though Snoke had claimed their bond had been his doing it still hasn't been undone with his death and there are times when he gets flashes of her mind, glimpses of intimate moments he shouldn't have. He wonders what she gets from him.

He'd taken a fighter off the deck of the flagship and Rey had come along. He hadn't had a destination in mind, exactly, and settles for a moon a short distance away from the Rebel Base on Crait. It's not ideal but it is isolated and a place where they can make camp and remain for a little while.

He's fairly good in forested areas like this moon which is for the best; Rey is from Jakku where there's nothing but desert.

"We need to make camp and decide what we're doing."

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"What are we doing?"

It's taken a great deal of trust to continue to follow him; though he'd willingly killed Snoke, Rey still isn't convinced he'd done it to save her. He gains so much more from being out from under Snoke's control and she'd felt the snap of rage when the admission had come that he had been responsible for their connection. She'd not only felt Ren's anger, she'd felt her own.

Though she's asked the question, she doesn't stop following him. She's curious about this. Them. Why their connection, if it had been manufactured by Snoke, wasn't severed by his death. She's curious to see if the great and powerful Kylo Ren still has the goodness in him that she saw. Keeps seeing... among other things. Too many things.

She wonders if he's aware every time she sees him. If she's aware every time he sees her. A hard question, but he's the more experienced Force user, so perhaps she'll ask.

"I don't know. I just know that we can't be seen by either the Order or the Rebellion right now."

It's clipped and cool, words given while he scans the area for other lifeforms. It all seems to be beasts and insects, nothing sentient, and that bodes well for them. It appears this planet might be used for lumber or something of that nature but there's no colonies present that they might run across on accident.

"While you might be welcomed back into the Rebellion with open arms, I am considered a war criminal and a traitor. I don't want to waste time explaining my situation."

... a war criminal and a traitor.

At that simple statement, fire flashes in her eyes and she can't resist the simple sarcasm that comes from the instant anger she feels again. Everything about him makes her feel in extremes: distrust, anger, gratitude... other things she doesn't want to dismantle in this particular moment when she's angry. Again.

"Perhaps if you hadn't killed your father," she sneers at him, "your return might be a little more welcome."

"This isn't about my father," Ren says, narrowing his eyes at her. She can get him riled quicker than anything he's ever known and he has no idea why she's capable of that. She's smaller than him in every way imaginable and she cannot possibly be a threat to him but sometimes her words raise his hackles.

"You're looking for parents everywhere you can find them. Having lived with mine, I don't recommend them."

"I've lived with them, too," she points out, only partially to be defiant. He's bigger than her in all ways - taller, wider, heavier - but she refuses to back down simply because his hackles get up.

Rather than continue the argument over whether Han and Leia were good parents or not, or whether it's true she's looking for parents all over or not, she huffs to a stop and looks around the small clearing they're standing in. She suspects this is where they're going to make their camp and looks back at him cautiously.

"You still haven't said what this is about. Invading minds?" Another small pause, then much less antagonistic than anything she's said so far, Rey asks, "What do you see? When we... talk."

"I see the power in you," Ren says softly. This is a much more palatable topic than his parents and he's happy to elaborate on what he sees (and doesn't see) in Rey's head. He likes to play with her this way, tempt her with the knowledge of things that she might have seen but not yet understand.

"It rises up, threatens to overtake you. Do you feel it? Do you feel the power in you, the darkness rising up like a tide?"

"You're speaking in riddles."

It's an accusation, an accurate one. At least he's fully dressed for this conversation, which is good, because it's in person. Even away from prying eyes (or especially because of), Rey isn't sure that she can be trusted. Or that he can. Between the two of them, they've destroyed lives. Ended them. Torn apart rooms, people, lightsabers, ships... the list goes on and on and she watches him for a moment.

Refusing to answer his questions, her voice softens as well, her eyes turning tender. "Your mother forgives you. You can come back. It's not too late."

"My mother abandoned me," he says sharply, turning away from her both physically and psychically. He doesn't want her probing at that particular part of him and he certainly doesn't want her interjecting her opinion regarding Leia Organa's concept of forgiveness.

"We need to build a shelter - that fighter isn't meant to be used for long-term living. We need to gather the fallen limbs from these trees and build a lean-to or look for a cave."

She has no comeback for that. From what she's heard, the different stories merging together, it's not entirely a lie.

Chastised, at least for the moment, she stops fighting the idea that they can work together to build a shelter and possibly talk. Just talk. A quick scan of the area and she's able to tell him, "There's a cave not far. Up the hill a little ways."

It's better than using sticks, she thinks, and only a little farther than where they landed.

"A cave is better. We can use the moss and leaves to make something that passes for bedding and it won't get wet in the event of rain or snow. I think this moon has an autumn cycle and we're in it," Ren says. It's mundane but he has to focus on the task for a moment to regain control, to regain balance.

He starts up the hill, his strides long and loping, and he intentionally shortens them so he doesn't leave Rey behind. He's quiet for a long while before speaking again. "It's not my intention to be cruel to you."

He moves so much faster. It's graceful, even, the way he goes up the hill in front of her and she hustles to keep up in a way that it catches her off guard when he slows. She adjusts again, this time matching her walk to his, just slightly behind and to the right, so that she can both watch him and be out of his way.

When he speaks, it's words she's not expecting given their current condition and the battles they've engaged in in the past. She doesn't respond right away, concentrating on keeping her breathing steady until they're outside the cave. Only then does she stop and look at him again fully.

He's tall, dressed in black, and she takes it all in; it's meant to be intimidating and though she's never going to admit it out loud, it works. It's a contrast to his words and she can feel the Force between them, practically vibrating now that they're so close. She has to tilt her head to look up at him, the words he spoke still tumbling around in her head and she has to ask.

"What are your intentions?"

She's quiet, though it's not the breathless she would have been had she asked during their walk.

"My intentions? At the moment, to find us shelter before it gets too cold for us to comfortably sleep."

He knows she means further than that, beyond the moment, but Jedi always teach the moment and the importance of it. He hasn't abandoned all of that teaching in spite of rejecting everything to do with the Jedi.

"I don't intend to harm you. Have I ever truly been able to harm you? You've always resisted me, Rey."

"We have the shelter," she tells him motioning to the cave behind her. Still slightly suspicious, she eyes him. "Remember, I'm the better pilot. If you try to hurt me, I will take that fighter and leave you here."

Stopping there, Rey ponders the wisdom of threatening the man who's been stalking both her dreams and her waking moments.

"I'll get bedding."

It's an easy way to put space between them for the moment, and she sets her pack down next to the entrance of the cave before stalking off in a direction that is opposite from wherever he is.

Edited 2017-12-22 08:16 (UTC)

You can't run from me, Rey.

Ren hasn't been in her head since landing on this planet but now he slips in as easily as he slips into his own self-appointed uniform. He's a part of her, now, just as much as she's a part of him. He's irrevocably changed by her and he thinks it may be the same on her end.

I'm here in your mind, in your inner thoughts and feelings. You have to face me at some point.

She's out of sight, all of fifty feet away, when he steps into her mind like he belongs there. She stops walking, not all that disturbed or surprised that he's done it. She's more surprised that it took him so long.

I'm not running. I'm ensuring you don't have to sleep on hard rock.

She takes several steps then sits down on a very large log.

Are you bored of your own company after thirty seconds?

Rey's internal tone has turned gently teasing. He'll be unpleasantly surprised with how well and how long she can ignore the serious talk he obviously wants to have.

I happen to like my own company. Force users are often trained to meditate for hours on end. I was made to do it during my Jedi training.

Ren had been terribly impatient and found it difficult to focus on the Unifying Force during his meditations, though, much to the chagrin of his Uncle Luke. He shakes off that thought, nearly bodily. Luke Skywalker is dead to him. Luke Skywalker is part of a dead and forgotten life.

He has been reborn.

You need to learn to meditate, focus your skill.

Rey sees him, standing outside their cave, and she can't resist another not-so-gentle nudge.

Is that what he taught you? To focus and meditate? She watches him for a moment, then begins to pick moss, though she doesn't see how it's going to make sufficient bedding for the two of them. Am I supposed to accept that you're going to teach me the ways of the Force? I won't join you.

It's defiant, like she always is.

Even if you refuse to join me, you need a teacher. You have a great power inside you, Rey. It's idiotic to ignore that power and not develop it.

Her power rivals his own, possibly exceeds it, and Ren cannot understand why she runs from it. He would never run from such raw strength and would, instead, draw from that well until every threat was eliminated. He should view her as a threat and yet he does not. He sees her as something of a wary ally, more than anything else, and he doesn't like to probe to see how she thinks of him.

Let me teach you. Let me complete your training.

It dawns on Rey that he didn't start this conversation until she was out of his sight, but not even that far away. She wonders if that's because he's not capable of talking to her like this when she's standing in front of him or because he just hadn't wanted to and she breathes through his offer while thinking about it.

How do I know I can trust you?

You can see my mind, can't you? Seek the answers you want to assuage your fears.

This is a slippery slope. While part of it is out of the desire to get her to see that he means her no harm, part of it is because he's rapidly becoming obsessed with this bond and how it feels to have Rey in his head. She slips past shields he's had in place for years and he doesn't even mind it; she's woven in with himself now, something that seems like it's always belonged.

Snoke thought he could see your mind.

It's a reminder that he needs as much as she does; they're on shaky ground, but she feels a tug, more than a simple attraction. It's a sense of need, to be there in his mind, to have him in hers. She calms her breathing, stills her own mind, closes her eyes and focuses as she reaches out.

Entering his mind shouldn't be easy, and it's not, but Rey feels like he wants her there and so the doors are wider and more open than usual. And what she feels from him is not any desire to cause her pain. It's... something else.

The intimacy of having someone in his mind is almost more than he can bear. Being this intimate with someone, this open, is something he's never really done before. He cannot keep her out because he craves it too much.

He only saw what I wanted him to see. He was weak. You're strong, Rey. Stronger than you know. See it. Feel it. Find what you want to see.

He's not far from where she's currently sitting, but the way she's bonded to him in that moment, it's as if she's not just standing next to him, but very much in his personal space in front of the cave. He's an intimidating presence in his size, but not like this. Not when he's holding her in his every thought, letting her explore without barriers. As close as she is, physically and psychically, Rey wonders if she can initiate another light touch and places her hand on his upper arm.

Looking up into his eyes, she does as he says and looks. She's not sure what she wants to see, or if he wants her to see something in particular, so she takes a moment to admire the constant calm on his face. It's a contrast from before and he gets a smile.

I see... patience. Humanity. Your true self.

Patience? You must be looking in the wrong place, he teases. That is not something he's known for, honestly, but he isn't offended that she sees that in him. His true self - that is something he's kept locked away for a long, long time.

You see what I've kept hidden, what I've locked away from everyone to keep myself safe. You seem to like it. You're smiling.

You're letting me look, showing me those things you've kept hidden for so long from so many people. That's patience.

Then he says that she seems to like it, that she's smiling, and it makes her falter and lose focus for the briefest of moments. Was she smiling? Does she like it? She hadn't thought him capable of teasing, and yet he had, proving her correct in the humanity guess as well.

She refocuses and he gets a nod. Your true self is the light that will save the galaxy, Ben.

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